Kandus et Allena
by Keiko-tama
Summary: Kanda, the God of Death, doesn't miss the sun that only exists above his world. But when Lavi mistakes Allen for a girl and brings him to live in the underworld, Kanda fnds the light has been brought to him. Sucky summary, CRACK! VERY CRACK! KanAre


**Oh yeah, you know it! Latin class has driven me to turn our favorite DGM characters (whom I do not own) into Roman gods! All the chapter titles are in Latin and will have translations. The title literally just means "Kanda and Allen" but Allen has a girl ending on his name ;3 Warning Kanda swears. A lot. But come on, this is Kanda! It's not Yuu-chan if there isn't some cussing : Really!! Anywho, enjoy this complete crack that was _way _too much fun to write. And yes, Lavi has demon horns. squees**

**Dei inferorum**

Whoever said that the god of the underworld had to be a hideous being? Kanda Yuu leaned against the entrance to his his kingdom, hidden from mortals in the openings of a cave. Beneath the surface was more land than the sky and sea combined, but every inch of it was covered with green mist and a suffocating darkness.

Dark eyes scanned the surrounding fields, glazing over the colorful flowers and ignoring the breeze that lifted his ebony hair, which was pulled high into a ponytail. His scowl deepened and he gripped the sword hanging around his waist as if he would very much like to kill the beauty, warmth, and most of all the people that lived in the brigthness. Turning on his heel, his velvet and midnight blue cloak swishing around his ankles, Kanda receded back into his kingdom, into the darkness over which he ruled.

--

_Damn that sun...damn these UV rays...DAMN MY MASTER!! _Allen collapsed under a tree and in it's cool shade, wiping the sweat from his forehead. Usually he enjoyed the days when the sun was shining and he could get a break from the, however lovely, palace on Olympus**(1)**; but right now it's only purpose was to torture the poor boy. Allen eyed the cases of wine he had previously been carrying. The prospect of having to continue lugging the alcohol all the way to his Master's home seemed ludicrous. Allen sighed heavily and closed his eyes.

Ever since his father, Mana (for the sake of proper mythology he _was_the god of the earth), had died, Allen's care had been entrusted to Cross, the god of wine, a truly fitting title indeed. Why he was making Allen go _buy_ wine if he could just make his own was beyond Allen. he just did as he was told so as not to get on Cross's bad side. But surely his master wouldn't kill him if he just took a short break...

Beneath the tree, shaded from the unforgiving sun, Allen dozed and the wine he was supposed to be delivering to his master was opened and enjoyed by the brave little woodland creatures (boy is Cross going to be pissed...).

--

"Yuu-chan! Guess what!?" A red head with little demon horns poking from underneath his unruly hair came running up to the God of death, surrounded by an aura of vitality that seemed rather ironic considering he was a servant of the dead. When Kanda showed no acknowledgement that he had heard Lavi, the servant began pulling on his ponytail and whining.

"Yuu, you're always so mean to meee!" Kanda spun around and pressed Mugen to Lavi's throat.

"Stop fucking calling me that!" He growled menacingly; Lavi didn't seem to notice how poking at Kanda was like poking a full grown grizzly with a sword (that or he was suicidal). Instead, he continued to whine, saying how Kanda hated him even after he had gone through all the trouble of finding him the perfect girl to liven up- wait, what?

"What did you say?" Kanda asked, lowering the point of Mugen ever so slightly to allow Lavi to speak without fearing that his nose was going to be cut off. He took this opportunity to duck away from the dangerous weapon and began to tell his story.

"So the last few weeks I've been exploring around the underworld, you know, seeing what secrets you might have in the deeper caves." He received a deadly glare from his master bit ignored it and continued. "And as I'm exploring I start thinking 'My god, what a depressing place I live in! No one around but floating heads, see-through broads and that creepy Cerberus', who by that way stole my boxers the other day. I'm not sure what he wants with them and quite frankly I'd rather not find out. Especially since they were my favorite pair, they had bunnies on 'em, pink ones, you know? Speaking of boxers, what would you think-" Lavi only stopped rambling when Kanda shoved the hilt of Mugen into his mouth.

"Will you quit speaking non-sense and just get to the fucking point?" A deep rooted iceness befitting of the Lord of dead was enough to hurry Lavi's little speech along.

"Fo ou fee, I wont oo a and of da wiffing and-" Kanda twitched and removed Mugen from Lavi's esophagus, opting instead to flip the sword so the blade was hanging threatening above his Adam's apple. "'So you see', to quote was I just tried to say, 'I went to the land of the living and', this is where you stopped suffocating me with your sex-tool (ew, you put it in my mouth, Yuu!), and I found you a girlfriend!" Lavi finished this sentence with a flourish, opening his arms as if he expected Kanda to run into his embrace, crying at how grateful he was to his little bunny-servant. Of course, he did not. But he did make Lavi scream and probably scarred the back of his head for life.

"What the fuck do you fucking mean you fucking found a fucking 'girlfriend'!? Fuck!" Lavi knew his master was more than just irritated. Kanda always overused certain words when he was irritated. He _excessively _used "fuck" when he was so beyond angry that his vocabulary was shortened to swears and two syllable words.

"I saw this really, and I mean really, pretty girl up there sleeping by a tree! She was so cuuute! She's just your type Yuu-chan!" Whether Kanda truly had a type wasn't the issue here; he couldn't even protest because he was trying so hard not to decapitate Lavi where he stood. Screw decapitate, Kanda wanted to de-man the poor bastard who dared to think The Lord of the dead, _The_Lord of the dead, was into relations of any sort. Kanda didn't even say anything as Lavi happily dragged him to his super-special (by special I mean gay) golden chariot and didn't so much as unsheathe Mugen when Lavi drove them out into the light of the living.

**OOO**

**Holy frikin short...thought it was longer than this...**

**Title means: "God of the underworld" lame I know but I have a very limited vocabulary and don't feel ike getting my book. **

**(1) Just in case you didn't know "Olympus" is where the gods of Roman and Greek mythology live. Don't ask why the exorcist live there now. It's cuz they're cool enough to be gods. And this is fandom. In fandom anything can happen.**


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